Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Last bit

I tried not to think of the end
But here it is
Tried not to grow up
But I guess I did

I struggled, tried to hold on
Cling like the crab that I am
And saw the grains slip through my fingers
I kept my eyes closed
So my dreams wouldn't fly off into the light

But slowly...
I guess I woke up
Couldn't stop time
I wished, I hoped, even prayed
Tried to stay till the last bit
Tried not to lose the memories
But then who knows...

Time didn't stop
And neither could I
... So here I am...

NID, November 2008

This year

Christmas came and went..

Monday, November 03, 2008

Mini blogs

Facebook status messages are like mini blogs. Micro-mini blogs rather. They tell you in one sentence what's going on....
I started thinking about future status messages almost a month in advance... Some of them were..
Shivani is "away from the land of the hissing s'es"
Shivani is "not going to be Ugly Betty in the Devil wears Prada anymore"
My favourite is this one... "... so long and thanks for all the fish"

I still prefer blogging though.. Facebook status messages are good enough for the transient phases like these.... Who knows, I might just end up going back. Hmmm...

Anyway, when you've got more to write, you should write.. Huh!

Note to myself: Should stop saving drafts and start posting instead.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

This time

I need a thought recorder. I can't write all the time and I can't write when the moment has gone. I don't feel like.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Window - seat


Can't say a word

My throat is numb from not speaking

Dragging along my feet

to the next snack

Looking through the TV

Headrush from getting up

and "that sinking feeling" as I lie...

Can't stay in, can't go out

I fear if I sleep I'll lose out on the day

lose out on... what...?

Out of ideas to kill time

It's now time that kills

No hunger, no pain

Just plain boredom

Switching channels

with every beat

Slow... like the passing minutes of the day

No sound of tick-tock

from the cell phone electronic clock

No idea which way the sun went

Scratching my cuticle

Nails already bitten

Thinking of the ambition

I'm losing sight of


Friday, September 19, 2008


Saw this notice about volunteering... wondering why is it that people volunteer?

Is it because they can so closely relate to the ones they are helping... they have a lot in common, probably common experiences, situations etc...
Is it out of some guilt of earning too much which brings about an awareness of the inequality around?
Is it because of the need to do something worthwhile, being aware of our own meaningless existence?
Is it because we need a hobby or something more than everyday life and this may seem fulfilling?
Is it because the society has made us this way in a struggle to move closer to equality?

Planning to volunteer at a Classical Music Concert this weekend :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

(More than)10 things I hate about weddings

(In no particular order)

Having to dress up in a way that makes your parents look good.. You know what I mean? Basically, pretty clothes that make you look like an out of place underage aunty who wears the "latest fashion".... oh ya, and with delicate little pieces of jewellery....... why?? why me??? And since most weddings happen in the chilliest weather, your skin gets a permanent goose bumpy texture.. You know, the sweater / shawl won't look nice.... So basically add the anti-cold medicine cost to the going-to-the-wedding cost.
And if you see what kids have to wear, it is even more sad. 6 year old girls dressed up as item number babes, oh and their parents feel so proud.

Hired video camera people, with bright lights flashing in your eyes. They tell you to look at the camera while doing anything, so the piece of mithai might go into the eye instead of the mouth, doesn't matter, just smiiiiillleeee.... oh, once more, can you please take out the mithai ka piece and eat it again.. theek pose nahi aaya... All world’s a stage and the photographer is the director….

Huge obnoxious cellophane covered fruit baskets. Most of them are going to get rotten before somebody remembers that there is something other than mithai to be eaten. What's the point of gifting fruits? Actually, what's the point of gifting?? The gifts are such an evil on which so much can be written about… Ugly, super- expensive gold jewellery that you would never want to wear, over embellished saris that you wonder who to pass on to, crockery, appliances.. basically anything that is useless and costs money… Ever seen any of those invitation cards that say “please don’t bring gifts” (only cash)…?

Oh, one of the most disgusting things. The "noto ki mala" eeeeewwww... the sickest thing ever!!! Currency stapled on golden necklace kind of thing which the guy wears so the parents can say "ooooo we r so prosperous". Sick. Sick!! Why don't you just wear a gold biscuit around your neck? Or better, your credit card!

The baraat... oh.. the big bad baraat.... (you know, the shadi-ghodi-band routine, and ya, generator on a small truck with wires marking the territory you are supposed to move within)Being forced to "dance"... Excuse me, if I don't want to dance and you force me, I'll look like a disoriented robot doing the repetitive fake-smile-and-clap routine.... Pleeeeassee spare me!

Ok, so there you are, in your uncomfortable, almost high heels, trying to walk as gracefully as you can on the broken road, avoiding the dusty footpath and potholes, feeling overdressed, wearing make up, when you see, people who are having one of the "regular" days walk by, you know, people returning from markets, or from work, or whatever, glancing at the arbitness move by, and then you have those poor kids holding really heavy and hot tubelights on their shoulders and you feel terribly guilty about being "prosperous"... And what about the poor horse... She must be going crazy among the high decibel noise and the bright camera flash in the eyes all the time. Imagine if you were in that animal's place; and you are still used to human "civilization".
Ok, so you reach the place and wait another half an hour to get in... u know, the band guys want to make a little more money towards the end so they make them dance till you are about to lose your patience and actually barge in; and then you are welcomed by strangers with garlands etc..
You go inside and you hear blaring himesh reshamiya or something similar and obnoxious on a temporary set up "dance floor". Multicoloured lights, "DJ", kids and aunties enjoying themselves...Have you come to a wedding or a disco??
Ok, past that, you look for cold drink / soup / snack / anything to keep you occupied.... Dinner is amazing, I don't have a problem with the oil, in fact I love the red oil floating on top of the dishes... And by the time you finish dinner (overstuff yourself, actually) you are dying to go home and sleep.
The wedding, as usual, will happen in the most insane hours, or as known as "taaro ki chaon main".. You either have to go home or sleep off there only (you don't want to be seen yawning throughout the video).

So it's basically, getting overdecorated but underdressed (considering the winter), getting irritated, really bored, eating too much and dozing off. You were invited to a wedding, right?

Friday, July 25, 2008

When everything seems fine, everything else seems fine.

Monday, July 14, 2008


Nicknames given between 1983 and 2003
Nicknames given between 2003 and 2006
Nicknames given between 2006 and 2008
stevehoney, stevie
tivani, tiv

hmmm.... looking forward to the trip... :)

Friday, July 04, 2008


Taking one of the ways in the forked road.... opportunities lost, or sometimes simply given up..... makes me wonder how things would be in the other parallel universe...? What if someday, I face one of the other "me"'s... how would I feel? Are things better there or worse..? Pieces seem to somehow fit in retrospect, when I think of this life; but what if I get to see other possible ways my life would have moved.... would I become immensely dissatisfied or immensely thankful?

Probably if I were given a choice to pick from an infinite number of possible lives, I would still pick this one, not because it is the best possible, but because I've lived it.
No one knows how life would have been like if they had made some different choices, till they actually experience it, but how many of us would actually want to try out a different past / present?

The big silver number

The significance of being 25:
You are no more in the young, 18-25 age group; well almost... well, you don't feel like it. So step on to the next one - 25 to 35 - working, young professions, probably married, income (whatever), blah blah blah...
Ok these are the "marketing" terms... what else...
You feel too mature for the "18-25" and too young (not so wise) for the "25-35" age groups.

You actually start thinking (worrying) about your skin... wrinkles are a very close reality. Losing weight becomes even more difficult; you put on one kg from one piece of chocolate, so eventually you kinda start accepting it.
This is the prettiest you can be. Ever. You don't get any more good looking than this. So if you think you are not that great looking, well, then this is it.

Money becomes important, you might still be afraid to think about the future, so you think about money, instead. Career? hmmm.....

You start thinking of ways to keep in touch with your friends who will eventually get married hoping things won't change too much. They would. You know it.

You hope time slows down till you have to settle down. Well, you hope time generally slows down... And since the past (college days etc) is a fading memory of a different you and the future is uncertain as usual, you struggle to hold one in each hand but probably moving in some random, maybe diagonal direction. Well..... acceptance is something that settles in like some sand in water, some disturbance initially, and leaves it changed for good.


Monday, June 30, 2008

The path to acceptance.....?

An amphibian living in murky waters... jumped up into the air momentarily, tasted the fresh dew on a leaf and splashed back in..
Is it going to spend its whole life in that water with the fading memory of that moment, or being an amphibian, going to jump outside again, and risk a whole new life that seemed unparalleled in beauty, yet the scariest ever imagined...?

Saturday, June 28, 2008


... not yet asleep.. in the middle of the night.. is it 1 or 2 am? The train stops at a random, small, almost empty station for just about enough time for me to smell the coal and have some thoughts emerge out of a just woken from half asleep state, blank mind... thoughts about what would things be like when I reach.. some anticipation, some imagination about tomorrow morning when I get there... I have the time and space to have those very subtle butterflies in my stomach, of happiness and anticipation; and the satisfaction that I am finally going there. Time to enjoy this solitary state, sharing my happy thoughts with myself, a half sleepy smile, momentary...

Who would get that in a short, cramped, heavy headed 2 hour flight.....?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


When in doubt, make lists

time tables, plans

colour code the calendar

When in doubt, categorize

sit down to think

pause, take another break

When in doubt, have chai

talk about it, try to forget

watch a film, take a nap

When in doubt, sleep

bite your nails, wash your face

take a walk, some fresh air

When in doubt, write

call up home, friends

doodle, scribble, sketch, trace






Wednesday, March 05, 2008

About an hour....

Walking back from insti towards the room... random thoughts... looking at the guard and wondering how it feels to eat alone in silence everyday.. sudden smell of ink as I climb up the stairs.. a long forgotten smell... that I like.... momentary smile... a tiny bit of half broken nail of my thumb rubbing against my finger.... going to my friend's room instead of mine and chatting about glass blowing, suddenly remembering my birthday when I got upset about my friends bursting balloons and making noise and I ran to another room, sat with a box of marbles, picking them up one by one, against the yellow bulb light, staring into the world inside those marbles... lines and bubbles, something I can see but can't touch....fairytale places and parallel universe places (I didn't know this word back then) must be like this.....
A short haircut, feeling the fan breeze on my neck although my fingers sweat, legs crossed, numb, listening to Amelie soundtrack.....

Friday, February 22, 2008


Many religions
Many countries
Many notes of currency
Many things to buy
Many choices
Many people
Many places
Many heartbreaks
Many desires
Many plans
Many opinions

Few chances
Few cherished memories
Few great moments
Few friends
Few teachers
Few milestones
Few realizations

One Heart
One Mind
One Body
One Family
One Earth
One Life

Sunday, February 03, 2008

That's how it is...

"That's how it is"; is the answer for everything. We accept things because "that's the way it works". What's the point in cribbing cos "that's the way it is".

Chaos just got over (the festival at IIM-A) and I just have too many things to complain about. Where do I start.... cribbing about the money minded management geeks or the screwed up judges or the fact that looks sell...

First of all, designers are not considered participants in the fashion show, models are. Consequently, we have to BUY passes worth Rs. 100, which is, by the way, a discounted rate for NID, to see OUR OWN creations on stage.

Out of 5 colleges, 4 are selected for the finals and one has to leave. Why single out just one? Have the organisers thought how that ONE college would feel about not making it after so much hard work, especially so, when the judgement is absolutely unfair according to the spectators? It's not talent and hard work, but just an outer appearance that sells. Who cares if it's all hollow? Looks good... sells.

Finals, ya ok, we win. Although our college is considered "a class apart" by whoever was witness, we have to share the first position with someone with a very materialistic way of thinking, who takes stuff off-the-rack and presents a funky collection that we cannot even connect with the philosophy of the theme. Yes, I will not keep it in my mind; I'll say it. We do find it insulting to share the same pedestal with someone we think is less deserving, but really, who cares, "you are first, you shouldn't complain..." Added to that, the management guys cleverly eat up the second prize money.. hello, when you have two people in the first place, you cancel out the second because you include that prize in the first. Very clever, I must say. Totally business minded. It is people like you who make great businessmen.

Finally, topping it all, it comes back to designers not being considered as participants. Yes, that means no participation certificates. So we slog for 3 weeks, day and night, leaving other more important academic stuff... and the pretty ones come, walk and take away the credit. That leaves me bitter.

And my dear friends tell me, "it's just a certificate, who cares..." but let me tell you, it's not about some A4 piece of thick paper with my name written on it, it is a tiny little representative of how life is and how it is going to be. It is looks that sell. It all comes down to the aesthetics of the human body, in an evolutionary sense.
You're tall, slim, pretty, people know you. You work for the tall, slim, pretty, who are you?
What makes me feel worse, is that I am a part of this mentality. I notice good looks and appreciate them. We, as a race, have evolved to a point that it is not physical beauty that is important for survival of the race. But what is going to change the way we think?

I will not learn. "life is not fair", people say. And I say the same. But there's a tiny little point in my heart that says, it is fair. That tiny little point seems to be vanishing far, far away. Am I growing up?

I cribbed about it for a day, slept over it and felt much better. But I had to write this. For myself. So that I don't forget what I felt. I am moving on leaving this stupid little "college days" incident behind. It is insignificant compared to what lies ahead. But thanks to this post, I will remember what the world wants to see.

Monday, January 14, 2008



If wishes were horses
beggars would be riders

I would go to a mountain
to gaze at the sky
And when the shower begins
Of the shooting stars
I'd recite back my list
Of little dreams and things to do
I'd wish for
a barrel full of beads
a shower of glitter
a fountain of ribbons
a vintage gramophone
with a million songs to sing along
a grand piano, antique chair
a Christmas tree
bamboo chimes
and a bunch of wildflowers next to my window
where I'd sit and smell my box of crayons...

14-1-2008 12:20 am chirag coffee maybe I saw a shooting star

Friday, January 11, 2008


I have been delaying this cos I didn't want to start the New Year with this kind of a post.... This might sound depressing, but it's actually not, once you overcome the first, emotional level...
Don't get me wrong, my state of mind is actually pretty good right now.... :)

Some of the things I have learned at NID:
  • Confidence is something that does not come from within. First you fake it, act it out, then you get used to it being around, then it slowly gets internalized and you start believing it. Looking withing yourself is dangerous.
  • You are more screwed up than you know.
  • If you want to be happy today, don't delve into your past. Don't try to figure out why you are the way you are. Sometimes, rather, most times, it is better to leave things to the surface.
  • Your problem remains the same, only the context changes and the people you discuss them with change. Do not discuss the same problems with the same people every time; they'll get sick of them.
  • You don't learn what you expected to, or came here to learn; but you learn other things which may or may not be useful.
  • You don't "become" a designer. You just start to act like one.
  • Being depressed is the easiest and the most tempting thing.
  • You might think that you are not wasting time, but actually, you are.