Saturday, March 31, 2007


I am living two parallel existances; one routine life where I am trying to earn my bread and butter, live a worldly survival, and the other, where life has no meaning until my questions are answered.
To live between a life that has no meaning and a life where every moment has an aim is like having two parallel universes within myself. One does not let the other one survive, yet both exist together.
The problem with philosophy is that there are questions, but no answers. Yet we ask questions to ourselves and to others, hoping for answers, knowing, paradoxically, that answers don't exist. Yet. Just the way we keep on living, as a species, complete a lifespan and die, without really achieving anything beyond life. Yet we keep on living.. hoping for something bigger.
Yes, there is definitely a parallel between the two.
Everybody has their own key to existance, or life, or survival.
I keep alternating between the parallels because I haven't made my key. Yet.
And again here also, the hopeless hope of finding my key keeps my oscillations between the two parallels non-fatal.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Chai note

Discovered during the night mess - chai routine with Dawa: Why do the best works appear on "worst" places like tissues or the back of notebooks..? Because the mind is free, not under an obligation to make the paper look "good".

There is a book I have been reading - The Art of Looking Sideways. Kind of a mind refresher. Will talk about that sometime.. and will add more of the "chai" observations and discoveries...


Thoughts a few days back:
The biggest, most mindboggling question is: how do you believe in yourself? How is it that people get to believe in themselves? Isn't it the hardest thing to to? How can you just tell yourself to BELIEVE...isn't it like changing your religion?
I have been told time and again that unless you believe in yourself and believe what you do is right, you cannot get anywhere in life. Like Alice was told, if you don't know where you want to go, you will never get there anyway. But how do you know where you want to go?
Is there a way to find out? And how do you know that way is correct?
How can you FORCE self belief upon yourself?????

Thoughts yesterday:
Discovery made today: You start believing in yourself when there is no way out.
Just like people start believing in God when the need arises, the same thing applies to agnosts.
When life is normal, there is no NEED to believe in yourself; you start questioning yourself, doubting your own thoughts and actions, trying to be better than today. But when you have to stand alone, facing the world who is waiting to tear you apart, your only defense is self belief. To show others that nothing can happen to you, you have to show them that you stand up for yourself and you believe. Consequently the belief becomes real.
this somehow reminds me of something I read.. that suicide rates drop during war times and rises during peace days.

Now I feel that probably belief is a temporary phase; it spurs up in moments of need. There is probably no such thing as a permanent, ingrained, deep rooted belief; just as there is no absolute.
The way I have started telling myself not to run looking for an "Absolute", I should probably not try to really find belief in myself.
Are people who believe in themselves constantly living in a state of gearing up to face the world?
What about yourself? How do you face yourself? Can the mirror tell you that your belief is an illusion created by you for survival? Can the mirror crack you heart?
Maybe the hardest thing is to see the mirror. That is why we probably look at it with half closed eyes, just to get a hazy picture without the close details... Somehow it is now making some sense...

p.s.: the "you" does not refer to anyone in particular, but to me.

Part one: Preparation for jury and disillusionment over work.. etc etc (3 weeks.. or more...)
Part two: Jury dates and members of jury panel announced (29th March 2007)
Part three: Night mess. (29th March 2007)