Sunday, October 08, 2006

Opening up old memories....

Written on 27th March 2003 1:30 am

Piles of paper rotting away
In the corner with cobwebs and dust
Secrets hidden in between
Hard work lost in all the rust

A part of your brain is left in there
You'll never use it, you gave it away

Old diaries growing old
Old memories dying away

Turn the pages and you'll hear smiles
Breathe in and you'll feel the tears
Your soulmate is turning yellow and weak
It listened to you all these years

So many nights spent to fill your mind
Writing, writing, memorizing
So many nights spent to empty your mind
Writing, writing, trying to forget

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Puja evenings and Garba nights. A hundred and eight diyas followed by countless more. Never before have I seen such an amazing mix of cultures where East meets West so beautifully, the way incense smoke dissolves in the air with the ascending dance. An absolute mismatch like the idol of Durga being taken on a camel cart reinforces the fact that different cultures can welcome each other when there is a common connecting link.

My favourite time of the year was the best this time.

I saw how it is possible to keep traditions alive… and how the passion to keep it alive and to celebrate grows when one is away from the roots. I saw that it is not necessary to believe, in order to feel part of the belief and to fall in love again with the beauty and grace of it.

Durga Puja at Navrangpura felt like home… it was just like what I grew up watching; the same idol ,the same drum beats and smoky scent, the same stalls, the same stage with little confused kids dancing while their parents prompt them….

Visarjan Night. Bid goodbye at Navrangpura and came to college for our own representation on cane. Fireworks on one side and drum beats on another. Faces coloured red with “sindoor”. I am surrounded by celebration. It’s amazing to be surrounded by the little divinity that we have created ourselves… Celebration on all sides, it’s like we are not celebrating, but it is happening and we are in the middle of it.

The “dhak” got spoilt so we couldn’t take it to the “visarjan”, but people in the slums at Sabarmati banks were playing drums and it was like Gujratis paying tribute to a Bengali ritual in their own way.

Celebration does not see you as an individual, but as a part of itself. It does not see who you are; it embraces you for being there. We can create our own divinity.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Evening drizzle.. puddles and slush... chai at bmw... running for cover and not liking it... passive smoking... thoughts running through my head as usual while I try not to make the usual disgusted face when people around me smoke. It takes a long time to get used to people smoking around you, and even longer to understand why people smoke.

Anyway, this was written within 5 minutes at one go..

3rd July 2006; 7 pm.

You long for her
Cherish her
Hold her delicately
between your pretty fingers
Give her light
Look at her admiringly
You bring her to your lips
Kiss her
Exchange breaths
Hold on to her
till the end
Love her, thank her
for giving you few moments of
being ok.

And then you throw her
in the puddle
stamp on her
and walk away.

And she can't even
look back at you.
There's no goodbye.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Watchmakers are chauvinistic

Or that's what I ended up feeling when I went to buy a watch for myself.

First of all, women's watches are just too tiny to be practical; it's a watch, not a tiny delicate decorative string with a small bead on it!

Most of the women's watches have no numbers, or maybe just 6 and 12; we don't have 2 hour days, is that what they think? I mean how am I supposed to figure out the time, when I would waste so much time in locating where the minute hand and the hour hand are!

Also, I think watch manufacturers assume that women are gifted with night-vision lenses in their eyes, so our watches don't have lights unlike men's watches!

I was really irritated to see that men's watches were practical as well as aesthetically pleasing, but for women's watches, a compromise was made... And then I thought that I should buy a men's watch, but they are just too heavy!!!

I guess I'll have to use my cellphone to tell the time, for a while...

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Friday, August 26th, 2005
7 pm: I get a call from Nidhi, "we are going to Pondicherry, have to leave before 8:30, you say yes..." and I say," this is so unexpected, I’m not prepared at all, maybe if you planned before..., I’ll call you back." Two minutes later I call her," what time are we leaving?"

11 pm: The "vehicle" arrives at the guys' flat. It’s an amazing little minibus and to our surprise, we find a TV screen & VCD player!! We take the bus to my place to get some movies.
And then the journey starts with the lucky number of 13 people...
Some photographs, arguments about which movie / song to play and the driver getting irritated changing cds, increasing / reducing the volume... Around 3 am I fall almost asleep...

Saturday, 27th August
6 am: I wake up to find that it’s been raining. First thought in my head," I missed the sunrise". We get down & click some pictures at the border of the city. "Say hello to Pondicherry!!"

We reach near the ashram and hunt for possible places to stay, looking for the cheapest option. So we find a dorm where we can stay till 6 pm, free of cost!

11 am: Post shower & breakfast, Stop 1: Aurobindo Ashram - a place that has unusual and beautiful little flower gardens. A little walk through different rooms finally takes me to the Samadhi. A tranquil place under the shade of a tree, where some people are meditating. A place which is silent, but not still. No one seems to be in a hurry, yet everyone seems to have a sense of purpose. I sit and observe for a while, trying to soak in the peace, when the group's patience finally starts evaporating... A quick search for the history of Sri Aurobindo, but no results.

Next Stop: Hotel
We dump our stuff at Hotel Kanchi & head to the bike rental shop. 7 out of the group know how to ride, so no problem. About an hour, some test rides and some pictures later, we realize how hungry we are and head to the French Colony in hopes of finding "authentic French cuisine". Not finding place on the terrace of a sea side restaurant, we reach another place, which looks very similar to the one in the movie, 'Jism'. Coincidentally, a song from the same movie is playing in the restaurant as we enter. Some people decide to leave, finding very little vegetarian food. The rest of us make a bad decision of staying, proved by the tiny quantity of food whose size and taste is inversely proportional to its price. Anyway, as I finish the meal with lots of ice & water, I decide to eat 'satsa tikau' idlis for the rest of the trip. Something I soon forget...

Next Stop: Auroville. Rahul Negi had told us about his friend, Riaz, who has a cafe and who, hopefully can take us to some nice party in the jungle. A 10km drive later, we reach, but don't find him. The thought bubble of the party pops. Disappointed... Anyway, the beach is just around 200 m from here.

The first sight of the ocean can't be described in words. It’s a weird combination of excitement and peace..! The cameras come out and the shoes come off. Lots of pictures clicked, lots of shells collected, lots of sand in my clothes..
Something weird about me is that when I am close to nature, my mind turns philosophical.. I sit aside and try to soak in the experience.

7 pm: Time to go back. We wonder how we will go back with sand scraping every inch of our skin. The journey back is accompanied by some laughs, jokes and, well, a lot of discomfort!

Dinner time: We find this small "North Indian" dhaba where all the curries have the same color, but we all are impressed by their hospitality. Thought in my head," lunch compensated".

Post dinner, we go to the beach and sit at the wall at the edge. This one is a rocky beach and the waves splash against them time & again. We sit and chat, and discuss how the waves are moving. I lie down on the wall and watch the waves, not wanting to close my eyes for a second, it is so fascinating. 12 o' clock, I wake up, we have to go back to the hotel. We decide to come again at 5 am to watch the sunrise, while I'm thinking,” I don't think I'll come".

Sunday, 28th August
8:30 am: Neha wakes me up and the first thought in my head is “I’m sure no one went to the beach this morning". We get dressed and go for breakfast while others go to return the scooties. Today, the people decide to go on bicycles. Nidhi & I can't ride se we have to sit on carriers of bikes with Manish & Hitesh. Afterthought," I should have got a pillow..."

More photographs and we head to a church. It is a nice and quiet place that needs renovation. Upon entering, the first thing I see is the stained glass windows in vibrant colors. Some photographs, trying to take the best view. I sit down again and try to soak in the peace.

Next Stop: "Ferry ride". Someone tells us that ferry rides are towards Auroville, so we bravely set off again, realizing only later how tiring it is. This time we meet Riaz and he tells us that no ferry rides here, they are 10km on the other side of Pondicherry. Disappointed again. But no problem, the beach is here. All of us are extremely hungry by now so we go to this beautiful place, Eden, which has small thatched roofed seating areas and we find that cottages here are much better and cheaper. Well, good tip for the next time.

6 pm: We finish our lunch (or dinner?) and head to the beach again. Lots of dead fish strewn about. So that's where the smell was coming from in the restaurant.

This time I decide not to get soaked. But the sea doesn't listen to you, does it?
Post sunset, we all reluctantly leave. The journey back is, well, quite painful. Believe me; never sit on a bicycle carrier when you have sand in your pants! We form a straight line so that no one gets lost and it’s quite a sight. All this while, Nidhi & I feel so bad for the guys...

8 pm: We reach back and suddenly everyone remembers that they have to shop before leaving. Prioritize - shopping or Ganesha temple? A quick round at the temple precedes shopping. People have found a factory outlet here. I start wondering...
Anyway, since Hitesh & I don't have to shop, we go to the wall to see the ocean. It’s always beautiful...

Time to go back.
10 pm: We all leave from the hotel to go to the border where after reaching, I realize, I don't have my cell phone. Lots of phone calls and an hour later, we head back to Bangalore. Thought in my head," I wonder if I could get that old small phone from Delhi".

29th August 1 am: We stop at a dhaba for snacks and coffee and try to check my phone again. Someone calls up and takes my address. Hope to get my phone back...

While most people are at the dhaba, we click some pictures on top of the bus and quickly get down before others come back : )

I fall asleep in the middle of the movie playing in the bus.

6 am: I wake up to find we are close to HSR Layout. All set to go back to home sweet home. Thought in my head," Am I going to give my presentation in class today...? I wonder."

State of mind

i am lazy
i am scared
i'm confused
i'm so unsure
i am self destructive

i think too much
i think too little
i don't know what
i want to know
i don't know what
i'm talking about

i am driven

i am shallow
i am deep
i'm not awake
not asleep

i feel fine
i don't feel
i am numb
but not enough

i am shrinking
but just not enough

i don't know what's going on
i don't know what to do
i'm in between worlds
can't cross the river

i am bad but not enough
i am good but not enough

i am not happy
i am not sad
i'm not sane
i am not mad

i am just not
enthusiastic enough to live...

I am here

Ok. So finally I gave in. Started blogging.... Too lazy to make my own website again or too enthusiastic to share my thoughts.. or somewhere in between..?

Starting with some old stuff I wrote, maybe I'll add some new stuff.. if I can still write..
Who cares?

Here it is.
This is something I wrote a few years back while travelling through the Delhi winter fog.

It’s like evaporated snow
Or white cotton candy

You are walking through
A never ending curtain

Glimpses of colour
Through white bridal veil

A pair of red eyes
Winks at me
And takes me
To the unknown place
I go everyday

Rain without drops
Stage without props
An empty portrait
Or cold smoke

Cataract in your eyes?!
Maybe your glasses are hazy

My childhood dream of
Touching the clouds
Has come true…
This is something I wrote when I was trying to sketch, but couldn't get any ideas, not even to doodle. My mind was absolutely BLANK.

The pure whiteness gives me a blank stare
Blank, spotless, but not untouched
Yelling whispers at me
To fill it up with my stories;
Confused imagination
But my mind is grey.

I have pierced through
The psychedelic kaleidoscope
Into the white tunnel of hopeless hope
But my harmony is lost.

The mirage of color eludes me now
Squares and spirals fade further away
What’s empty seems heavy with vacuum
I’m still waiting for a spark
to come my way.

Go Free

Looking through the pretty veil I made to cover my eyes
Made my own chains that I’m scared to break free
But I will…
I can see myself pushing over the edge
High and beyond…
The flight from the cliff
Will bring me ocean sunrise
New and boundless…
I’ll be the phoenix again.
And I’ll be free from myself.
Climbing the skies…
Evaporating and taking shape again
Being one with the sky-breath
And being one again,
Criss-crossing, freewheeling,
Be a dance
I’ll be infinite…