Monsoon :)

Another Closure?

Closure is a strange feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to sink in... and sometimes we are just pushed into it. I had to empty my locker today; I would have kept it for another couple of years if given a choice. It was quite weird to have the mixed up memories of the past 3 years all tumbling down from that cupboard at the same time.

Bags full of fabric, rusted scissors, boxes with neatly arranged threads, buttons, needles and chalk, patterns and muslins, and quite a few surprises...

Surprises from the locker

My favourite black sweater for KMC and Audi (so that's where it has been!!)

At least ten empty or half empty polythene bags

My first assignment at NID (he he my drawing still sucks!)

Sketchbooks from "Fashion Sketching" - Enough one side used paper to last me a year

A page from the DCC assignment on sustainability

Muslin fits of some clothes - (Yeah!!! Some more clothes to wear :) )

Bobbin Elastic (I think that was from Term Garment in the second semester)

Old glossy Magazines (bought from Fernandez Bridge, for mood boards?)

An old, dried, yellow rose (where did I get that from??)

An old telephone that I used in my Diploma shoot

A jumble of wires, a jumble of thick yarn and a jumble of paper strips

An old bottle of deodorant from the first semester (smells pretty much the same still... smells just like First Semester... sigh!)

Some cheat, some hoard, I draw

Lucy

...
"... John Brigade or Samantha?"
"who?"
"Samantha from Sex & City"
"John who?"
"from Brigade John Diary.."
"..oohh...."

Peahen

I'm sitting next to the glass window, as usual, a copy of Adbusters in my hands and my eyes on the lawns.
And then this interesting little creature walks by on the ledge and stands right in front of my eyes. I try not to move, not to scare her; she is constantly looking at me. I wonder what she's thinking of me, I try to talk to her through thoughts. "I know I'm human, but I won't harm you. Really." She stays. She blinks; blinks with her lower eyelid (I didn't know that's how peacocks blinked). It's me and her with the glass in between, but I feel we are talking.
Slowly... a few minutes, and I have run out of thoughts; of things to say. She looks away and walks on.

The Last bit

I tried not to think of the end

But here it is

Tried not to grow up

But I guess I did

I struggled, tried to hold on

Cling like the crab that I am

And saw the grains slip through my fingers

I kept my eyes closed

So my dreams wouldn't fly off into the light

But slowly...

I guess I woke up

Couldn't stop time

I wished, I hoped, even prayed

Tried to stay till the last bit

Tried not to lose the memories

But then who knows...

Time didn't stop

And neither could I

... So here I am...

NID, November 2008

This year

Christmas came and went..

There's no such thing as closure

About an hour....

Walking back from insti towards the room... random thoughts... looking at the guard and wondering how it feels to eat alone in silence everyday.. sudden smell of ink as I climb up the stairs.. a long forgotten smell... that I like.... momentary smile... a tiny bit of half broken nail of my thumb rubbing against my finger.... going to my friend's room instead of mine and chatting about glass blowing, suddenly remembering my birthday when I got upset about my friends bursting balloons and making noise and I ran to another room, sat with a box of marbles, picking them up one by one, against the yellow bulb light, staring into the world inside those marbles... lines and bubbles, something I can see but can't touch....fairytale places and parallel universe places (I didn't know this word back then) must be like this.....
A short haircut, feeling the fan breeze on my neck although my fingers sweat, legs crossed, numb, listening to Amelie soundtrack.....

That's how it is...

"That's how it is"; is the answer for everything. We accept things because "that's the way it works". What's the point in cribbing cos "that's the way it is".

Chaos just got over (the festival at IIM-A) and I just have too many things to complain about. Where do I start.... cribbing about the money minded management geeks or the screwed up judges or the fact that looks sell...

First of all, designers are not considered participants in the fashion show, models are. Consequently, we have to BUY passes worth Rs. 100, which is, by the way, a discounted rate for NID, to see OUR OWN creations on stage.

Out of 5 colleges, 4 are selected for the finals and one has to leave. Why single out just one? Have the organisers thought how that ONE college would feel about not making it after so much hard work, especially so, when the judgement is absolutely unfair according to the spectators? It's not talent and hard work, but just an outer appearance that sells. Who cares if it's all hollow? Looks good... sells.

Finals, ya ok, we win. Although our college is considered "a class apart" by whoever was witness, we have to share the first position with someone with a very materialistic way of thinking, who takes stuff off-the-rack and presents a funky collection that we cannot even connect with the philosophy of the theme. Yes, I will not keep it in my mind; I'll say it. We do find it insulting to share the same pedestal with someone we think is less deserving, but really, who cares, "you are first, you shouldn't complain..." Added to that, the management guys cleverly eat up the second prize money.. hello, when you have two people in the first place, you cancel out the second because you include that prize in the first. Very clever, I must say. Totally business minded. It is people like you who make great businessmen.

Finally, topping it all, it comes back to designers not being considered as participants. Yes, that means no participation certificates. So we slog for 3 weeks, day and night, leaving other more important academic stuff... and the pretty ones come, walk and take away the credit. That leaves me bitter.

And my dear friends tell me, "it's just a certificate, who cares..." but let me tell you, it's not about some A4 piece of thick paper with my name written on it, it is a tiny little representative of how life is and how it is going to be. It is looks that sell. It all comes down to the aesthetics of the human body, in an evolutionary sense.
You're tall, slim, pretty, people know you. You work for the tall, slim, pretty, who are you?
What makes me feel worse, is that I am a part of this mentality. I notice good looks and appreciate them. We, as a race, have evolved to a point that it is not physical beauty that is important for survival of the race. But what is going to change the way we think?

I will not learn. "life is not fair", people say. And I say the same. But there's a tiny little point in my heart that says, it is fair. That tiny little point seems to be vanishing far, far away. Am I growing up?

I cribbed about it for a day, slept over it and felt much better. But I had to write this. For myself. So that I don't forget what I felt. I am moving on leaving this stupid little "college days" incident behind. It is insignificant compared to what lies ahead. But thanks to this post, I will remember what the world wants to see.

Findings....

I have been delaying this cos I didn't want to start the New Year with this kind of a post.... This might sound depressing, but it's actually not, once you overcome the first, emotional level...
Don't get me wrong, my state of mind is actually pretty good right now.... :)

Some of the things I have learned at NID:

• Confidence is something that does not come from within. First you fake it, act it out, then you get used to it being around, then it slowly gets internalized and you start believing it. Looking withing yourself is dangerous.
• You are more screwed up than you know.
• If you want to be happy today, don't delve into your past. Don't try to figure out why you are the way you are. Sometimes, rather, most times, it is better to leave things to the surface.
• Your problem remains the same, only the context changes and the people you discuss them with change. Do not discuss the same problems with the same people every time; they'll get sick of them.
• You don't learn what you expected to, or came here to learn; but you learn other things which may or may not be useful.
• You don't "become" a designer. You just start to act like one.
• Being depressed is the easiest and the most tempting thing.
• You might think that you are not wasting time, but actually, you are.
  

If you're not thin, you're fat

Changing Standards.. different places... You still conform. Wherever you go.

NID - a place so different from the "outside world" that you feel that here everyone is absolutely free to be whoever they want to be... But it can be the exact opposite of this here. We might be different from outside, but very similar to each other.

You are weird if you sleep on the same date you woke up, if your clothes are clean and your hair is perfect even at the end of the day... and we all conform.

Standards of thin... There is no in-between, no average. If you are not thin, you are fat, no matter what the world may think.

One thing I absolutely love about this place is that there are so many places to sit everywhere, platforms, concrete chairs, blocks, anything...; and what is even better, that we still sit on the ground around those places... anything goes...

You get so used to the "weirdness" here that you feel like an outsider to the outside world.....

7-9-2007 6:10pm BMW

Today I saw a snail eating ketchup.

Cake

Sitting outside the rec room after drizzle 27-8-7 11:20pm Monsoon.... Chai.
Sounds
1 A constant, faint base note - the regular sound of water flowing down some pipe
2 Water trickling down at different places pit pat splat
3 Constant blaring of tv in the background, loud and heavy
4 Cricket
5 Feet of people passing by, crunch crunch crunchy
6 Some bird - high pitched, quite regular
7 Very pleasant, delicate, faint drops of water, garnish
8 And if I listen carefully, the sound of my own breathing.

Birdwatching :)

One of the best things about sitting in the library (apart from The Art of Looking Sideways) is that when you sit next to the window you get to stare at the lawn for as long as you want...

So, on one such afternoon....

Birds on the lawn; they are just like us; maybe us as kids, when our behaviour was unpretentious, directly reflective of what we were thinking.. Chasing after useless things... polythene, feather.... and when someone has it, they all fight for it. After a while, they give up and look for something else so the one who has it, now not getting any attention, loses interest in it.

So much like the way we are....

Catcher in the Rye

When you can see yourself in a story... Right when you are reading, you ARE the character. It's like reading a mirror or your own journal or looking at your pictures and telling yourself your stories.
Feeling lost and depressed and sitting alone among people, with nothing to do at night, just as Holden goes to Ernie's.
Don't want to go back to my room but feeling lonesome among familiar faces; yet wanting to be alone.
"Yellow"
Don't actually mind being "depressed".
Feeling contained yet intruded. Feeling awkward, but this is the most comfortable I can get for now. Being in a submarine, watching the world from a safe window. Soundproofing myself, but can't thoughtproof... The mind has no cover....
This is a very uncomfortable way of making myself feel comfortable....

14/7/7 12:20am nightmess book,music,chai

List of lists...

List of incomplete work
List of CDs to write
List of things to sort out on the comp
List of things to take home
List of things to buy
List of things to get from home
List of things to eat when I get home
List of people to call up
List of places to visit, people to meet
List of things to do
Mostly I'll be lazing around with ice filled Rasna... :)

5 days to go for the jury... Going home on 18th.. :)

Jury Stress

I somehow feel sad about losing motivation to "work"; to do something great... I don't know who I am working or, them or myself?

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and drag myself into the killing heat of the studio. Work drags and everything is in slow motion.
I am not even worried about not finishing my garments; just spend each day doing something to fill the entire day, adding on slowly; painfully gradually.
I wait for the day to get over, at the same time fearing that time is slipping.

I can't figure out if I have risen above all this and become stoical, or whether my state of mind is a dormant volcano. It is the latter I fear.

Somehow, in all the heat and fatigue, it is easier to push the thoughts far back. Being a zombie is quite comfortable.

A new song fallen in love with. Learnt it by heart. Crackling sounds from damaged earphones. Damaged from rolling over while half-asleep, from being crushed in denim pockets..

Music is what's keeping me alive... sane...

Chai note

Discovered during the night mess - chai routine with Dawa: Why do the best works appear on "worst" places like tissues or the back of notebooks..? Because the mind is free, not under an obligation to make the paper look "good".

There is a book I have been reading - The Art of Looking Sideways. Kind of a mind refresher. Will talk about that sometime.. and will add more of the "chai" observations and discoveries...

Someday I'll write about my experience at NID.. there's so much to it... But for now.. something I wrote for an assignment where we were expected to represent Light through probably a picture.... I couldnt get any picture, just ideas.. so this is it....

Particle or wave
Just pure energy
…Positivity.

What if the big bang was dark?
… the sun were a rock?
No seven horses; no chariots
No positive and negative
No yin and yang
Black wouldn’t be a colour
Everything would be nothing
And nothing would be everything

You bend and you dance
You bounce and shoot
You burst and spark
And break into colours

You heal and burn away
The wounds of surface and beyond

I know the world
Through the eyes that you see through
I know who I am
When I play to and fro with you

Life is
Because You are.

Who are you to the night?
Enemy or saviour…
Who are you to the shadow?
An elusive goddess…
Who are you to a blind man?
Nothing…?